Traditionally, the most challenging class of our Wise Humanity Course is the one called “Me to We”. One of the main takeaways of that class is that when I think of myself as part of something larger than myself – instead of seeing myself as a separate being who needs to conquer their place in the world – I’m stronger, more resilient and more resourceful.

It is traditionally the hardest class because it challenges some beliefs around the concept of individuality that are very deeply engrained particularly in the modern Western culture. We have to make our way, prove ourselves, not rely on others, be unique at all costs. It’s a fairly recent phenomenon, historically.

It’s a lot of pressure. And it can be very oppressive. Being centred on yourself is downright depressing. In fact, a feature of depression and anxiety is a relentless focus on self, everything that’s wrong with you and your life.

Have you ever felt that you’re not good enough? That you’re too little for what society, your boss, your clients, your spouse or others in general expect you to deliver? Have you ever felt the burden of those responsibilities, the fear of not fulfilling them, the anxiety for the future, the stress that things are not going the way you think they should?

We spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about ourselves, being the best we can be, doubting that we’re not fit for purpose, defending ourselves, holding ourselves together, ruminating over all the things that (we convince ourselves) depend solely on us, that we need to deliver for others, that are all on our shoulders.

And we might absolutely be doing it for good reasons – for the wellbeing of our families, for the success of our companies and our clients, for the prosperity of our community – but, instead of feeling part of the very community we’re trying to help, we think of ourselves as separate individuals who need to meet others’ expectations, with duties to perform, outcomes to deliver, responsibilities we don’t feel good enough for.

Have you ever experienced the impostor syndrome in your life?

I coach CEOs who think they don’t have what it takes to be a good company leader, parents who fear they’re not fit to educate their children, spouses who believe they’re not worth being loved, people who consider themselves bad human beings.

Coaching is actually a good example where I experience the impostor syndrome myself more often than I’d like to. While I’m coaching a client, I sometimes observe my mind generating insecurity thoughts: What should I say? Was my question powerful enough? Am I making any impact today? The solution, in circumstances like this when I spot my mind firing those insecurity thoughts, is not to think harder of a cleverer question, it’s to just let go of those thoughts altogether, drop them, get out of my head and very simply, genuinely and egolessly connect with my client.

So, this is the tool I’d love to recommend in today’s blog: whenever you feel oppressed by the thoughts in your head, your fears, insecurities, anxieties and self-doubts, get out of your head and connect with the very community that those thoughts and insecurities are linked to.

An example I like to mention often, powerful in its simplicity, is when we’re stuck in traffic and we start having not-very-positive feelings about the other drivers; we feel trapped and maybe even hate ourselves because we didn’t leave the office earlier, or we didn’t check the traffic news, didn’t take the alternative route, etc. A way to get out of those oppressive thoughts and emotions is to connect with the other drivers: instead of telling yourself the story that you’re stuck in traffic, realise that you are the traffic, your car is creating traffic as much as the other cars are, you’re not surrounded by evil drivers but by human beings who are going through the same experience of stuckness as you, who have family waiting for them at home – or clients for important meetings – and with whom you can relate and empathise. Do this experiment the next time you’re stuck in traffic and you’ll have a completely different experience of your commute.

Another way to connect with others, for example when you are in a conversation, is to focus on what the other person is saying and feeling, and think only of how you can help that person. Think of how you can be helpful to people you know, people you barely know, and society at large.

Actually, a great way to get out of your head and connect with others in general – be they members of your family, your team at work, anyone in your company or the local community where you live, or literally any other human being on the planet – is what we call Random Acts of Kindness (RAKs): do something for others, something that you don’t normally do, maybe even anonymously.

Somebody recently, as part of this exercise, went to the grocery store and (after sanitising her hands) put little encouraging notes between the food packages so that people who were shopping would find notes. She said she was amazed at how long that good feeling lasted. It just lit up her whole week and she decided to make an ongoing practice of it.

The moment you involve other people, this connects you with others, turns down the rumination in your head, and magnifies the energy and the reward that you feel.

One person anonymously sent flowers to a person he felt was under-appreciated at the office. Another went to the coffee shop and gave $20 to the cashier to pay for the next few customers, along with cards to give them with uplifting quotes.

But this exercise absolutely does not have to cost money. One person made a practice of picking up trash from the sidewalk every day. Another made a practice of looking into people's eyes and silently wishing them well, in every interaction. One person took every phone call with eyes closed, so as to concentrate on the other person's voice.

The possibilities are endless. For further inspiration, we also recommend a book, Random Acts of Kindness: 365 Ways to Make the World a Nicer Place by Danny Wallace.

The impact on us in terms of serenity, peace of mind, and help getting out of our head when our thoughts have become too oppressive, is gigantic.

Harvard psychiatrist Robert Waldinger conducted a study that spanned across 75 years, with unprecedented access to data on the fundamental impact of connected relationships on our long term happiness and satisfaction. Here you can watch his inspiring TED Talk: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness.

So, whenever your thoughts become too oppressive, connect with others: it’s the one step that can make you happier.

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