Unlearn Who You’re Not
What is “growing”? David Bowie once said that “aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.” I normally give it a slightly different spin and I say that
growing is that process where you become the person you’ve always known you can be.
There are moments in our lives when we feel completely serene, at peace with ourselves and everyone around us, even in complete harmony with nature. And then other hectic situations where we ask ourselves why we can’t access that serenity more often… but we are aware that that serenity is inside us, somewhere.
There are moments when we feel energetic and outgoing. We’re normally the shy kind of guy but at that one party, or meeting, we’re connecting with everyone, we speak confidently, we feel exceptionally at ease… And when we go home we ask ourselves where that came from, and wish we could always be a bit more like that.
We often know already what person we could be. We know that, at times, we have been that person: we’ve been that happy, that empathetic, that courageous, that sociable, that resilient, that generous, that grateful, that decisive, that peaceful. Perhaps we haven’t been all those things at the same time, but we know that we have the tools inside ourselves to be that person we’ve always known we can be. We’d just love to make it happen, to access those tools, more easily and more often.
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Why doesn’t it seem to be possible all the time? What obstacles block us from tools we’ve found inside before?
We often think it was the circumstances: the people at the party were particularly nice, we managed to achieve a goal we were working hard for, we slept particularly well the night before, etc. And yes, the circumstances might have made it easier for us to access those tools… but those tools are inside us. It’s not the circumstances that magically gave them to us. And, likewise, the obstacles to accessing those tools are inside us, too.
So, growing is not about learning new tricks. It’s about dropping those obstacles, letting go of those habits, those beliefs and those self-beliefs that don’t serve us well. We might be so used to them that we think they’re an inextricable part of who we are. But they’re not, they’re just habits or (self-)beliefs that we picked up a long time ago, so long that we feel they define us. But as much as we picked them up at a moment in our lives when they were helping us, we can drop them off now that we realise they’re no longer serving us well.
Growing is not about learning new tricks, it’s about unlearning who we’re not.
Here’s a list of examples of (self-)beliefs that we may be holding on to with a death grip… so much so that we believe that’s who we are. As you go through the list, if you find one or more that resonates with you, ask yourself: Is this belief helping me? Drop the question “Is it who I really am?” and just ask yourself: Is this belief serving me well?
I never break a promise. If I commit to something, I’ll do it no matter what. I will never get divorced, divorce is a failure. My political beliefs are better than the other side’s. My religious beliefs are better than the other side’s. I can’t relate with people who have different opinions or values. I have to maintain my pride. I am single because I’m not beautiful. I’ll never find a partner because something’s wrong with me. My life is not good enough as it is. I need to achieve my next goal and then I will be happy. I’m a very private person – I don’t talk about my most personal experiences. I never speak up in meetings because I may say something wrong. If my team doesn’t do as I say, it means they don’t respect me. If my partner doesn’t understand my unspoken needs, it means they don’t love me. I’m one of the very few who have common sense in this world. Nobody ever listens to me. You can’t trust people (that is, I can’t trust people). And the list goes on forever, like literally.
Does any of these beliefs resonate with you? Is it serving you well?
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Here’s a couple of examples from my life.
There was a time where my political beliefs were so strong that I would have ferocious arguments with anyone who’d disagree. For many years, those beliefs served a very useful purpose: I fitted in a community of people that would reinforce me, where I felt safe, that helped me create a set of values that gave me meaning and purpose. During those times, I would have never imagined that, one day, I’d question all of that. But at some point, those fierce beliefs became an obstacle for me, self-imposed limitations: they didn’t allow me to see new solutions to my problems (or the world’s problems), they were keeping me away from other people, they didn’t allow me to see that people with different political ideas were still making a great contribution to society and could have a positive impact on my life, too. Was it worth it to sabotage my relationships, including with people from my family, for that? Were my beliefs serving me well? Today, I still have the same political beliefs but I’ve unlearnt my identification with them. I can build great, constructive relationships with people who have different opinions. My life is richer than it was before.
Here’s another example. I used to be very quiet in meetings. I was terrified by what my boss and others would think of me, by the risk of making a mistake, or saying something silly, and losing face forever. My (self-)belief was that my life would have suffered unbearably, had I said something wrong. This belief surely helped me a lot throughout my education: I would study really hard to pass my exams flawlessly, which actually happened. This belief served its purpose. But once I got into the world after school, a world where there’s no book with the right answers, that belief turned into an obstacle… an obstacle to expressing my thoughts, my ideas, my opinions and, ultimately, an obstacle to making an impact on other people’s lives as well as my own. At some point, I had to unlearn that belief because it was definitely not serving me well.
Can you see any (self-)belief or any habit that is no longer helping you?
It may not be easy at first. Some habits we may have picked up so long ago that we don’t even remember when or why and, today, we feel like they’re an inextricable part of who we are. It may give you some relief to explore your past and understand how you picked them up. But ultimately, whether you understand their origin or not, the point is that, sometime in the past, they were serving you well and that’s why you embraced them. Then, later on, things changed, the environment where you live changed, the people around you changed, your personal objectives and values changed, and those habits are no longer adequate. They’re tools that served a purpose then, but you can drop them now, with a lot of gratitude for the support they gave you for so many years.
Look inside yourself or, even better, observe yourself in action: are there situations where you feel uncomfortable, scared, anxious, inadequate? Some of them may be recurring situations, hence less difficult to spot. Is there a habit or a (self-)belief that you can demystify – it’s just a tool, it’s not who you are – and unlearn?
Can you drop, with profound gratitude, one of those tools that no longer serve you and have actually turned into obstacles to becoming the person you’ve always known you can be?
This is what growing is: unlearning who you’re not.
That’s one of the fundamental principles our programmes are based on at Wise Humanity. We just had the very first session of our most transformative 12-week course last Saturday, and that’s what we’ve begun talking about and practising. The next cohort will start on the 24th of September. Get in touch if you want to learn more or if you want to work with us before.
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